Why did she get married at 18???!!

She was having sex.

Lots of it. And with one person.

She assumed this was how one showed love and how one received love.

She felt guilty. Confused. And scared as hell to tell anyone.

She kept it to herself.

She had been called prude for so long and now that she was sexually active she thought for sure no one would understand.

She was a good girl. Never talked back. Followed the rules. Held a job the entire time she was in High School. Made the Honor Role. Played sports. Won the award for being Friendliest!

The only adults in her life preached Marriage before sex.

She was sure she was going to burn in HELL and that terrified her….

She knew deep down marriage was a bad idea. She didn’t want it. She simply wanted the guilty feeling to go away. She didn’t understand how it worked…having sex the night before and the next day being married and everything would be ok?????

So she told him she wanted to get married. The mind games began. She provided the ring. Set the plan into motion. He said he didn’t really want to, but he guessed he would….

He never asked her for her hand, but he did ask her biological father who had sexually abused her as a child. He acted like he was doing her a HUGE favor by marrying her. Her gut told her he was already cheating…but she excused the behavior as she would for years to come.

They married.

Directly after eloping, she was struck with panic. Confused and feeling alone…..wanting out…she endured the several hours back in the car next to him.

No communication. Talking to a wall. She was so upset. She didn’t know that Emotional Starvation would be her life for the next 14 years. She plastered that fake smile on her face and she tried like hell to ride it out.

She stayed quiet for years. She worshipped the ground he walked on. She was yes girl. Not rock the boat girl. Afraid of being abandoned girl.

She birthed all the babies because condoms are comfortable and birth control wasn’t Christian like.

Letting God choose her futility is what a real lady was expected to do.

She was naïve. Her brain was asleep.

She wanted a leader. She wanted to be perfect. She was insecure. Didn’t know her work. Didn’t think she was loveable. And. HE. Knew. It.

So, she settled for bread crumbs. The ones that dropped on the floor. They were so tiny she needed a microscope, but she assured herself that it was enough.

Before having children, she worked up the courage to speak to her pastor and his wife. The only advice they gave was to pray harder, love harder, and win over her spouse. Divorce? Not. An, Option. She gave it her all, for over a decade, and things actually got worse. After each birth, he would tell her he wanted to divorce her. He should have never married her. He was meant to be alone. He said she wasn’t capable of being happy. But, because God said no divorce he was “stuck” with her. He was the victim.

The story of events changed during her 7th pregnancy. She mentally prepared for what was coming. She knew he’d tell her again he should divorce her. She prepared to take great physical and emotion care of herself so she could recover faster from giving birth.

She spoke with her midwife about what was going on. She got a counselor. The secret was out. She now awaken to the abuse. The gaslighting. The mind games. The manipulation. She wasn’t so fun to play with anymore.

And all the angels rejoiced.

She began to stand up for herself. She began to point out the toxic things at home. She not only rocked that boat….she flipped that mother fucking boat over!

She left him. She did it afraid. He gave her hell. But she did it. She liberated herself. She liberated her children. She changed the cycle for future generations.

She had a spiritual awakening…She heard a voice say “WAKE UP WAKE UP. She was so freaked out. But remembered it forever.

She started seeing Spiritual things. She once saw the number 23 written in purple light along the door in several rows and columns and they were all circled.

She wrote it down and finally 2 years later…she saw this number on her lawyers office door and she knew she was in fact making the BEST DECISION OF HER LIFE!

She is celebrating her 2 year anniversary of her divorce next month. She has a special dance just for that! She is happy with herself. She knows who she is. She knows her self worth.

She simply wants you to know the truth about you. You are worthy. You are loveable. And you are already a bada$$!