Her Feeble Beginning
Her Feeble Beginning
by Mindy Love
She was a young, talented, curious and brilliant child born in 1986 to a dysfunctional couple. Her mother was raised in an unloving home where she regularly seen her father and mother inflict violent pain on herself and her siblings. Her mom became the rescuer and would later marry the girl’s father, a psychopathic narcissist.
She was full of love and appreciation for all things beautiful- big and small. She was mesmerized by people, she longed for connection and had an ability to heal souls with her smile. She loved babies. She found them ever so interesting. They would have their feelings, feel them, work through them, and then be happy again. In her own home, this was rare. Everyone stayed angry, depressed, and to themselves. These left young Mindy feeling very alone.
Her surroundings were dark and grave. Filled with harshness, rage, and pessimism. Her night were lonely. As she lay in her bed alone she could hear her parents fighting down stairs. With all that was within her, she wished they were simply STOP. The days turned into weeks, the weeks into month, and the months into years. Chaos, fighting, arguing, outbursts, and name calling were part of her daily existence.
While at school she would people watch. She would wonder what life was like at that persons home. Was peace and happiness attainable? Did anyone live violence free? She would stop daydreaming and get back to her studies. She was always afraid to fail. She would push her self, study obsessively, and still fall short of perfection. Anything less than 100 percent felt like she missed the mark. He parents never asked her about her day, about her life, about her homework. She thought this was normal until 4 th grade.
During the 4th grade she was sitting at her desk where the students all switched papers and graded each others. (something she always hated and wondered why teachers would do this as it was embarrassing) The boys across from her got 100s and she missed one or two questions. They said their mom had looked over their homework and they had fixed it. She then realized she was missing this. Her mom never even asked about her homework, let alone offered to look after it. It was if her mother couldn’t be bothered with anything related to her life. In her moms defense….she was going through her own hell, depression, and domestic violence relationship. Young Mindy didn’t understand this. She simply felt that she wasn’t worthy of care, attention, or affection
Most evenings, her parents would argue and fight. There would be an explosion and then children would be put in the corner forced to stand with their had in the air or outright. Her parents would remind her how awful she was, how her attitude was so terrible and how she was such a disrespectful child. In her mind, this brought great confusion. How can I be so awful and terrible if I love so much and want people to get along? How can I be terrible if I follow all the rules?” After about 30 mins her father would grow tired and seeing her stand their and bark orders for her to go straight to bed. She always felt like an outcast. Like she didn’t belong. I’m sure her siblings felt the same way, but they never spoke of it.
At this point, during all the punishments, her dream was to someday escape this dark hole and create a magically happy life where love and laughter would run rampant. She silently told herself, “It can’t be that hard, I’ll find the key and I’ll help others do the same”. This was a very mature response for an 8 year old. She knew she’d have to hold on until she was 18 and be able to leave this family behind. She terribly wanted to escape. She would fantasize about running away. She would fantasize about her parents dying in some accident and being given to a loving family.