Clueless by Mindy Love
Here I am in my glory (2008) age 22....picking blueberries out in the country at my friends farm in NC on over 200 acres! I dreamed that one day I’d own one just like it! My idea of a good time.
This photo was taken after the birth of my second child. I would go and visit my friends. They would gift me with as many blueberries as I could pick and carry. They let me use their golf cart to travel around. I loved the solitude. Sound of ducks in the pond. Rows of trees and bushes. The landing strip for their small plane. Everything felt right…..in that moment. I could breathe.
I felt useful. I brought my scissors. I cut their hair. They often paid me an insane amount…..like $75 for a hair cut. I would also get a massage from my friend who was a licensed massage therapist. I loved learning facial reflexology from her.
I still felt like I was on the outside looking in. They all had each other and I felt I had no one. I’d go back home to my family…but I felt alone.
I was the thinnest I'd ever been in my life. I still didn't feel good enough. I shamed myself on the drive there as I didn't have time to do my hair and make up as I was taking care on my 1 yr old and new born. I was suffering from loss of sleep, lack of emotional support, and little to no support system. I was living in NC where I didn’t know anyone. I had met these friends through volunteering……I surprise myself that I was a volunteer!!!
My home life was unhappy, but I loved going to see my friends. The tires on my car were bald. But I still had a smile on my face. I had searched the couch cushions, every inch of my apartment, the crack and crevices of the car in hopes of finding change to put gas in my car. I was wrestling with what was going on the inside and refused to accept my reality of unhappiness….. I couldn’t understand the lack of money. My husband and I both had Bachelor Degrees yet we had no money…what was going on?!!! I never spend money furiously. I was in line on Saturdays at the food bank. My spirit was crushed. When I tried to resolve the issue with him I was told I should be thankful I have air to breathe. That seemed to be the response to all my questions…….so I became quiet. I stopped asking for help. I stopped asking for answers.
I had no money to my name. I was living in an apartment that was roach infested. I was emotionally alone. I was stuck in a lease. I had a newborn and a 1 year. I was forced to stay at home. I kept it all a secret. I woke up every morning super early to pray and ask for a miracle. I was clueless that I was the miracle. That I already had what it takes. I was overcome by fear…..the bank was calling daily to say they were repossessing our truck. The anxiety escalated. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn.
The notice came for eviction. I was freaking out…..but still had a smile. My body was suffering from the stress and lack of rest. I was burned out before I knew what burnt out meant! I ended up going to the church. Telling them my situation…..to my amazement they gave us a one time gift, asked me how much I eat out (I looked at them dumb founded….we hadn’t eaten out in over a year! I couldn’t even afford to buy MILK!) and I was asked if my husband ever punched me….I said NO. They said I should really be thankful for that. If he wasn’t beating me…than everything would be okay……….wow! What shitty advice.
During that time though, I reached out to yet again help others. I met amazing women who had moved to our apt complex from other countries. I helped them learn English. My heart broke for them as I saw how shitty their husbands treated them.
Our kids played together, even though they spoke different languages. I learned about other’s belief systems. I learned their social norms. I drove them to English classes. I studied their language so we could communicate.
And one day…. when I was so ill I couldn’t swallow….one of them came and took me to the doctor. I was soooo sick. Fever. Super swollen throat! And I got the medicine I needed.
She made me her special soup…..it was magical!!! I learned to accept the kindness and genuineness that I so freely gave. I value more than anything…..a compassionate soul is a gift to be treasured.
But deeeeeeeep down...I knew one day I'd be financially stable. I knew I was created to be an author, motivational speaker, and healer of peoples hearts through sheer inspiration of the events I was going through. I didn’t know how in the world I was going to get there.
I didn’t know 11 years later I’d get divorced. I’d leave the church. I’d begin my spiritual awakening. But what I do know….is that I am still the same kind, caring, generous soul I’ve always been. I’m simply genuinely happy now.