Behind the Smile
8 years ago, I was pregnant with my 5th child. I was gorgeous, like a model, and clueless. I didn’t know my worth. My life was being a good wife and good mother.
I accepted bread crumbs and called it love.
I lived in fear of being and doing something bad. I feared burning in Hell and God being mad at me.
I said yes to everything. I was a total people pleaser. I kept my mouth shut. I buried my true feelings. Forget having any opinions.
I forced smile; like this one. I was told my whole life, just be happy.
I volunteered to help everyone when really I was the one who was in desperate need of help!
I was dying inside from Emotional starvation.
I blamed myself for all the abuse, neglect, and trauma.
I felt guilty that I didn’t enjoy being a SAHM.
I couldn’t stand up for myself to save my life.
I did for everyone around me and abandoned myself daily.
But every Sunday morning, there I was sitting in the pews at Church. Volunteering at guest services and in the nursery.
I was praising Jesus and taking intense notes on how to be a better wife. How to have more faith. How to pray better.
I didn’t yet know what self care was. I had never heard of it.
I looked at my dark places and found this:
It is ME who pulled myself out of the dark pit.
It is ME who research and applied the Extreme Art of Self Care.
It is ME who learned my worth is not tied to how many children I have and how well I give birth.
It is ME who learned about my trauma and how it was crippling me.
It is ME who reached out for help and found comfort in Psychology and Counseling.
It is ME who set boundaries with toxic family members.
It is ME who realized I came into this world alone and I am okay leaving this world alone.
It is ME who learned how to date myself. Writing myself love notes and buying myself flowers weekly.
It is ME who learned how to eat at a restuarant solo and be comfortable in doing so.
It is ME who filed for divorce.
It is ME who left toxic situations when it would have been much easier to stay and have my basic physical needs met.
It is me who cried myself to sleep at night, who scream and moaned into the pillow as I lay on the floor feeling like my guts were being ripped out of my abdomen from the emotional pain I was enduring.
It is ME who felt like life was too hard to live. Felt like I did not have a place on the Earth that I belonged to.
It is ME who climbed, baby climbs up the ladder of hopelessness and out of the pits of darkness while parenting my 7 children alone while I simultaneously re-parented myself.
I don’t fake smile anymore.
I will not apologize for crying when my heart HURTS.
I will not apologize for speaking my truth.
I will not stop ever.
I will travel the world, I will pick up my microphone, I will tell my story, and I will set other people free.
I am on this journey for the long haul.
If one person finds an ounce of comfort from me sharing the depths of my pain, then it was worth the time writing this.
You be alone today, at home, or in a legal situation. And that’s okay. You still haven’ t met all the people who will love you in this life. They will cherish you. They will love you for who your soul is and NOT for what you can do for them, and not what they can take from you.
As Les Brown says, Chin up. I you can look up, you can get up. So, when you fall, fall on your back. Stay There for a minute or 2 and then, it is time to RISE from ASHES once again.
-Mindy Love